But what of these emotions? Why do they feel so right? Why must I fill my thoughts every single night?
I try to turn away. I try so hard to hide. But the further I went away, the more a part of me died.
There will be no more pain in me for you, the pain that filled my sleepless nights where the darkness brought tears, cold tears my eyes have shed.
Each and every lonely one, brought memories filled with love. The love I once felt for you.
Now I am without an answer – I have not even a clue, of what else I can do to stop myself falling again for you.
There will be no more empty days feeling the blame for your endless space filled with regrets, of words left unspoken, hugs left apart, kisses left in tears, touches left in pain.
If only you could see what is in my heart, maybe then you won’t have torn it apart.
What will I do without you? How will I live? Where will I go to lay down my head and my worries?
Who will listen to my dreams and hopeful ambitions? When will I feel the joys of contentment of companionship? Of being one with another and with love?
What will I do without you?
I will close my eyes, trying to feel your warmth, your smile, your passionate way of tackling life and me.
I will close my eyes and wish for your touch I never felt.
What will I do without you?
I will relish our memories still loving you and wish you were here.
Now walk away with the pain in you for me, with a resounding echo memories surface from the past, maybe you and I were never meant to last.”
Sometimes… just really sometimes… you wonder what this other person is doing.
If they are thinking about you?
If they worry about you?
You keep wondering what they are doing at this exact moment.
If they are reading a book or sleeping.
If they are watching a movie or are out with friends.
If they are looking at the same sky and searching for the same falling star to make the very same wish as you do.
Sometimes… you wonder if they are missing you like you miss them. If they want to talk to you, if they want to hold you, if they want just to look in your eyes and find the answers to all the questions they have in mind. If they have any…
But then sometimes… they do not call you, do not mail you and you do not get replies to your text messages. And then the only thing left for you is this wondering if they miss you at all. And what eventually might keep them so busy that they can not find a minute… just one minute to make you feel remembered, cared for, loved?
Someone once said that in each relationship one person always loves more. Maybe it is true. There is always someone who loves a bit more. A bit more passionate. A bit more strong. A bit more emotional. A bit more…
Sometimes… maybe not only sometimes… you are the one who loves more. And then you want to see if they will miss you if you disappear for a moment, an hour, a day, a week. You might want to make them realize what it is like… to wonder. But then you are also too scared to do it because deep inside you keep wondering, what if it does not make any difference for them.
Sometimes… just really sometimes…
I who have no one at all
Inspiring others to love.
I have a deep-seated fear of living my whole life
Without experiencing feeling being truly loved.
I have lived my years born to lose
Lost all I ever loved.
I’ve lived all my life in vain
All my dreams have only caused me pain.
Outside my window is the sound of rain
And the haunting sound of a train in the distance.
Sleepless nights, with the inner fire
Feeling helpless, spinning.
So here I am like many times before
Alone with my face towards the moon.
On my knees praying to God
For someone who will love me soon.
I cry in silence
For someone who will love me before I die.